Stay at home dad

Cousins

Double-edged sword this one...

On the one hand the 'cousins' are fabbo, A1, fantastic. They babysit, play and spoil the chosen one. They spend endless hours chasing, tickling, teasing and encouraging in equal order. They neglect their own. They ignore us, they ignore their parents. Overall they allow us some time and space because, when the little prince sprints off into their company, we no longer have to worry about giving him attention, caring for him (in a general sense) or being nagged. He is as comfortable in that family as he is at home. It helps there are five of the cousins as it is like for him an instant family. It makes me happy to see him with them, so comfortable and secure.

On the other hand.... where has the "I love you 's'..."  gone?

Where is the need for attention from his parents gone?

Where is the craving for affection gone?

Where is the, "Daddy, PLEASE come and play football with me..!"

Out the window. Poof! disparu. He no longer cares. He is happy and secure and ultimately DOES NOT NEED US.

Maybe we are experiencing the teenage syndrome early? But at least he is not swearing at us... not yet at least.

And so ends the lesson about cousins. Fabulous of course but yet with a twinge of envy and feelings of uselessness.

I really must go back to trying to be humourous and not so deep. It doesn't suit me. Ask anyone.

Little prince's top ten TV shows

1. Ben 10

2. Doctor Who (Series 2 & 3)

3. The Simpsons (he has good taste!)

4.  Eastenders (no, really..)

5.  Power Rangers Mystic Force

6.  The Fantastic Four

7.  Grossology (don't ask)

8.  Casualty (or as he says, "Hospital programme")

9.  Johnny Test

10. Robot boy

Just thought you'd like to know. 

The birds and the bees - part 2

Previous post on this subject was concerned with certain difficult questions posed by little prince and his friend about where they came from and how they were 'made'.

The subject matter for today is the other end of the spectrum: how do you explain death to a child?

Tomorrow is the funeral of a close family member and we are all going. I am adamant that LP will be there . I feel you should expose them to all of lifes ups and downs, give them a complete picture of the world and life and how life is a cycle, ashes to ashes dust to dust etc.. I'd be interested to hear what you think.

Let's face it, life isn't all sunshine and the smell of roses. Is it not our duty to expose our children to reality? Not to wrap them so tight in cotton wool that they get a brutal shock when they do eventually step out into the big bad world?

Here's me ruminating about big issues when number one son is quite happy next door glued to the fantastic four... without a care in the world!

Maybe I should just let him figure it out himself.

So anyway, off line for a few days but, as ever, I shall be thinking of you.

Sports day

Despite little prince not yet being a pupil at Blogley C of E primary school, all three of us went to the school sports day. The playing fields are a stone's throw from the house and now we know a few of the mums and their kids taking part we thought 'why not'.

Competitive vs non-competitive games. DISCUSS.

An interesting one that one: on the one hand it appeared everyone was at pains to stress it was the taking part that counts and NOT the winning. Hmmmm... not sure that works, otherwise what is the point of the sports day? Life is full of winners and losers, life is full of people (and children) with different skills. One kid's genius at all things computer is contrasted to the 'sport billy' kid who wins all the running races. How often have you heard the story about the school reunion where the former golden sport boy is now a fat and balding loser with no job and a string of messy relationships. It seems being good at sport is not the be all and end all.

So, if we value all abilities in all areas of life (and lets face it, if you can only run fast this skill does not translate easily into earning ability) then why not allow all the kids to run in races competitively? By contrast, when the exam results come out they are listed in the order of the highest mark first. This is the same principle as winning a running race, you work hard and study, you 'win' in academics. Everything in life balances out. Gone is the need in 21st century Britain for strong runners to catch the wild boar...

Where am I going with this? Well actually the mother's race. My god the pre-race hype is some weird psyching out exercise where everybody declares that they haven't got a chance and they don't exercise and they won't try etc. etc. but let me tell you when the whistle blows, I cannot describe to you how the base, feral nature of mums on the charge surfaces instantly... There was pushing, there was shoving, there was a faller, there was an injury and there was cheating!

It opened my eyes I can tell you. I imagined a few lovely ladies in long flowing skirts (Laura Ashley or Hobbs) gently pattering their tiny delicate feet down the track whilst daintily trying to keep the large sun hat in place. All painted toenails and wafts of anais anais.

But no, it wasn't like that. If that's what the mothers race was like I am going into training for 2008, my olympic year.

Holiday notes

The hijab is sexy. It's official.

(the word 'hijab' primarily refers to muslim women's head and body covering. source: wikipedia)

I shall probably go to hell for saying so or have a fatwa pronounced over me, but it's true.

There I was minding my own business in the Egyptian Museum (see here: www.egyptianmuseum.gov.eg/ ) when I felt that familiar feeling that someone was staring at me. I turned around and through this small black slit two eyes burned out at me and held my gaze.. I was not expecting that: the intensity of just looking at two eyes and nothing else. Try it sometime. Maybe we have something to learn here along the lines of 'less is more'. Aren't we all bored of naked flesh at every turn? I'm not sure that is what the nation of islam intended with the whole covering up thing, but there you go...

Sitting at dinner one night in our quizillion star mega hotel, I announced:

"I think I'll have a look at the wine list.."

To which little prince responded:

"I think I'll have a look at the apple juice list"

I am loving his ability to make me laugh at every turn. In fact, he was something of a hit on holiday. The Egyptians without exception were wonderfully warm and kind with 'lil prince and he is now fully conversant in arabic.. well he can say his name and goodbye (useful phrases and always well received).

Did the obligatory trip to the pyramids, but firstly the flight! If you've ever been to the Brooklands motor and aircraft museum you will have had the privilege of poking around the Sultan of Brunei's 1970s royal plane. A few things strike you about it:

1.) The poor taste, think 70s brothel chic.

2.) The smell !

3.) How old and shabby it feels.

So 'Camel Airlines' 1950s DC9 was a lot worse. Say no more. Many crossed fingers and prayers to allah later we arrive Cairo, alive.

Some Egyptian tourists at the sphinx asked to have their photo taken with little prince (I assume as a result of the blonde hair blue eye thing). An amazing place the pyramids, you really should visit.

Typical comment from Egyptian bazaar owner:

"Hey! you very lucky man.. you have beautiful wife, how much for her?"

To which if you are brave enough and out of earshot of Mrs.SAHD, you can reply:

"Five plastic camels"

Cue much laughter and joking around.

Don't worry next post will be back on a firm 'old blighty' footing on the juicy subject of the 'School Sports Day', or more particularly, the psychology of the mums and the dads race...

New diet revolution...!

I'm back.

Sorry for the silence (and with no warning...) but - I'm back.

I am like Moses before the burning bush (very very topical..) or like the blind man whose scales have been lifted from his eyes... halleluyah !! I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT..!

I have some news to share with you all: brothers and sisters.

NEW DIET REVOLUTION - THE 'E' DIET

You know how it is, every day there is some new goddamn diet phenomenon: Cambridge, grapefruit, cabbage soup, Atkins, bloodtype.. yadda yadda yadda. YAWN YAWN YAWN.

No, my friends I have the real deal, the real McCoy, authentic with a capital 'OR' you are privileged to be on the edge of leading edge scientifically proved no-nonsense, straight-talking diet nirvana..

Let me introduce to you the E DIET (all copyright preserved).

The revolutionary new diet methodology that is guaranteed to give you the following amazing benefits:

• No desire to eat
• Easy weight loss
• Your figure back
• Smell-free Number '2's

And what will you have to pay for the privilege of perhaps the most exciting diet phenomenon of the 21st century?

The incredible answer is: NOTHING a big fat zeeeroooooooo...

I give you the E DIET !!!!

You need only follow these simple rules and the pounds will drop off with no effort and no hunger !

1. Type "holiday Egypt" into google.
2. Find the cheapest five star hotel all-inclusive deal you can in Egypt.
3. Book at least 7 days' (14 if you want more weight loss) holiday on an all-inclusive basis in a the red sea paradise no luxury missed hotel on the holiday of the goddamn century.
4. Fly there.
5. Drink the tap water.
6. Eat the food.
7. Suck on those ice cubes baby.

At this point you are positively orgasmic at the i.) marble floors; ii.) 37 degree dry desert heat; iii.) the attention that little prince gets EVERYWHERE; iv.) the food, oh god the food... so much, so much variety, so many interesting and unusual arabic bugs for the useless British digestive tract...

   7.     Wake up on the morning of day two.

   8.      Wonder at the marvel that is the noise from your stomach.

   9.     Walk quickly to the toilet.

   10.    Sh*t yourself so violently that the bathroom is sprayed head to foot in last nights falafel...

   11.    Repeat at least 12 times daily.

The E DIET is unbelievably effective.

Most exciting of all is that the weight loss is all in your control. You decide how much weight you want to lose and when you have had enough of the E DIET then you simply call the pharmacy and get the strongest anti-amoebic dysentry tablets you can get and WHAM! no more loose movements, YES even you can now move more than 100 metres from your hotel room.

For more information on this incredible not-for-profit-diet-revolution please visit

www.egyptforwesterners.com

Salaam-alah-kum

Yours, six pounds the lighter.

It's raining

...again.

I thought yesterday we had come out of the worst June and into a better July. Today it seems not. Cruised back from Blogford today with the roof down and although it was 23 degrees in Blogford, at home in Blogley it was raining and 15 degrees. God the weather is so unpredictable. Little prince doesn't seem to mind though as it just means more SKY kids TV or making even more mess than usual in the house. Oh the problems faced by a SAHD: this morning I had just managed to hang out all the washing like a good little housewife when, splosh! it started raining.

I'm not trying to be depressing in this post, just having a whinge like we all like to when the weather's crap.

Still some people are probably happy with the rain however. PD and the Doc both returned from holiday looking glam and bronzed. Very irritating when all we've had to put up with is the rain. Them: golden mediterranean beaches and warm al fresco dining, us: center parcs in the rain. The bitterest pill is that the center parcs downpour weekend probably cost about the same...

Still, it won't be long before they are looking pasty and tired again. Can't wait.

Nice to see the princeling's gang is back together again, the Blogley Massive was looking a bit weedy with just two members and now the returning gang members are all cute and blonde so I think we'll have to get their heads shaved asap, make them look tougher so that en masse they can terrorise the baby and toddler group again.

Sad news this week, little prince's last day at buzzybees playgroup. We've gotten used to the routine of toddling down each morning to the village hall and hanging out with mums and the odd dad and all the kids from Blogley. LP's been really happy there and can't really believe he is now facing big boy school in September. Where does the time go?

Ooops this is beginning to sound like one of those emotional blogs - I do apologise.

You can tell I didn't have much to say today, been feeling a bit out of sorts for some reason, god knows why.. must be the rain.

The birds and the bees

I was driving through Blogham today when I saw two very large bright signs by the side of the road advertising a 'Psychic Fayre HERE 16/17 July'. It occurred to me that the people to whom this might be of some interest should already know this. It seemed a waste of advertising spend. Perhaps it was aimed at the 'psychic newbies' who as yet have not honed their psychic abilities.

Yesterday, I was driving somewhere - can't for the life of me remember where - when little prince stated the following,

"Daddy, I want a brother and a sister"

"Oh yes..?" I say.

"Mummy and Daddy will have to make one then!" I continue, thinking that would be the end of that.

"Have you got any seeds Daddy?" adds princeling.

"Oh yes, loads!" I chuckle.

"Where are they Dad? Can I see them? How do you make a baby dad?"

By now I am regretting the turn of the conversation and I have to come up with a plausible explanation for the inquisitive four year old.

"Well.... mummy and daddy have to make the baby and put it in mummy's tummy"

At this point princeling's friend (and Slim's youngest) , until this point thankfully quiet in the back of the car, pipes up:

"NO..!" he exclaims huffily.

"Baby's have to be BORNED.!"

I think this added to the debate somewhat and I saw my escape route.

"Yes, that's right - born out of mummy's tummy!" I pronounce eagerly.

"No, when I was borned, I came out of mummy's bottom" said Slim's kid exploding into giggles.

Thankfully, we had arrived at our destination and I was able to bring the conversation topic to a swift end with the promise of mucho excitement for the boys at whichever playground, shop or forest we had arrived at.

Phew that was a close call.

Out of action for a couple of days. Be back on line at the weekend.

Feed me

Is it just me or has the little prince regressed??

"Daddy, FEED me..!"

Being the sucker that I am, I invariably do. Am I wrong to do this?

The problem is that this seems to be spreading. Not long ago I felt like a mummy (or daddy) blackbird trying to feed its chicks who all sat in the nest with beaks skyward and wide open and all in unison (such squawks as translated by google...) shouting:

"Daddy, FEED me..!"

Maybe not one of the world's biggest crises you might say, but trying to feed a six year old (clearly taking advantage..) and two four year olds with my 'Tofu surprise' struck me as faintly ridiculous for the following reasons:

1. The 'Tofu surprise' was delightful..daahling.

2. Both four year olds can feed themselves absolutely no problem.

3. Six year old has taken his frigging maths GCSE for god's sake..! so a wee bit of self-feeding is clearly within his grasp.

I know what it is. It is power and specifically the exercise of said power over me. Now you see I was brought up in a fairly regimented and terse environment and I was a good little fella that absolutely ate up when he was told. Have I gone soft? Have we all gone soft?

I think in some instances: illness; injury; tiredness and in some cases as a reward, it may well be acceptable to spoon my quinoa rissoles into the little darlings mouths.. BUT I do feel that the gang of three on that day were simply taking the piss.

And my response was? I would like to have said I stood firm and they all respected my manly authority but no I spent a fraught 40 minutes spooning the little effers with my organic and low GI concoction made from organic bloody everything.

In my day children were seen and not heard. In  my day we were so poor that we had to....

OK I'll stop there, but you must agree that policemen are getting younger?

Yours, turning into his father (Yuk!)

Women's size

Now I take no responsibility for this post other than I feel I have a duty to publish the following which was received anonymously... it seems to be of the genre found over at www.plooptionary.com but it is probably just a copy cat. Comments please and also any alternative suggestions for the X and Y axes.