Stay at home dad

Embarrassing illnesses parts 1 & 2

Part 1

SAHD's progeny is now in the fourth week or so of his careful assimilation into Blogley primary. And just as Mrs.SAHD remarked to me smugly,

"You know, Little Prince hasn't been ill for absolutely ages..!"

I notice something that causes me great concern. I'm standing by the swings on one of the last warmish afternoons of the year and the year R kids (both new and old friends) are swinging around, sliding down the slide: you know basically doing what 4 and 5 year olds do, when LP comes swaggering up to me. As I often do I ruffle his hair (which his mother likes to keep long) and I glimpse something.. down there amongst the golden curls.. I blink and re-focus desperately trying to think of alternative explanations....

Yes you guessed it: the nits are in town! Unbelieveable, that is the size of the little critters! I seek instant expert advice from PD and Slim, I notice the Doc and all the others flinch and move six inches away from me and the kid. Diagnoses confirmed. Play over. Chemist visit here we come.

(nb: techniques for nit removal and a general discussion on the subject find links here www.getridofthelittlecritters.org )

Part 2

"Oh...OK, just come with me round the poo... OOhhh...! ahh, never mind.. that's right: get it all out.."

Round at Glamourous G's house utilising the pool and fabulous garden (Oh I'd much prefer to be in an office poking people on facebook - NOT). LP's mate and notorious gang leader of the 'Bentley Massive' and Slim's youngest has now just puked at my feet.

I feel honoured. I just wish he'd listened to me just before when I said,

"Look if you're feeling ill MAKE SURE YOU'RE SICK IN THE BUSHES AND NOT IN THE POOL"

You see: his face turned, he started that dribbling from the mouth thing and before I could manoevre him over to the bushes to retch he had spewed in spectacular style all over and in the gorgeous pool. Next few minutes spent frantically mopping and washing away (with pool water) hoping no one came home and discovered the embarassing illness episode.

Look down, notice my feet in a pile of puke. Strangely warm. Maybe I'll remember that next time I'm going home after closing time at the local on a saturday night. A sort of 'instant' warm-up.

Anyway, LP has avoided catching this particular leprosy bug but lots of the others haven't. Ironically, the whole of the Doc's family got it. What's in a name eh? Helpfully, I remarked to her that,

"At least she'd lost a few pounds.."

I'm all charm me.

Ding-a-ling...!

So LP started school.

A mixture of pride, disbelief, fear and emotional turmoil (well that was Mrs.SAHD anyway) as number one son stood on our front doorstep and had his photo taken in his new school uniform. The uniform that bearly fits him. The Uniform that he is sooooooo proud of. The uniform that says my son is growing up.

Hugely impressive turnout on day one by both mummies and daddies. The dads looking awkward - 'cept me of course - the women, mostly tearful, except for those who have elder children and therefore this whole palarver is old hat (Slim - you know who you are).

Little prince nonchalant. Strolls in, high fives the lovely classroom assistant: Miss P and plonks himself in front of the computer as if he owns the place. I like it. Means the last nine months of careful bedding in and cultural awareness training have paid off! The boy is secure and happy. I'm happy. I'm proud.

Some things I have been neglectful of. In the Playground chat on the first day of term all you hear is:

"Oh no..! I never sew them in: always use the iron on type.."

Or

"Uptil 2 am this morning frantically sewing the labels in..!"

Sadly LP is living with the humiliation of his PE kit NOT being labelled... I am humiliated. There are some things that men just can't do and planning the clothing etc. labels blah blah yada yada yada ... yawn... is something I no have the skills for. Apologies. Hey anyway someone may inherit byTHEFT LP's lovely new PE shorts.

Mrs.SAHD is livid.

I live and learn.

Red sky at night...

Is this the most beautiful sunset you've ever seen?

Well ... is it?

If not, tell me where you've seen a better one!

And, a special prize for those who can tell me where this photo was taken.

SAHD

As camp as you like

Unscrew pump handle, cover airhole with thumb. Pump furiously with right hand for at least one minute.

Open choke lever 180 degrees. Turn black heat control knob anti-clockwise until hissing noise heard.

Quick!  light the damn thing:   WHOOSH..!

Conragtulations !  you have just lit the dual fuel colman double ring stove run on 98 RON.

So begins the morning routine of camping. (**Note also that after one minute you MUST return the choke lever back to its original position**).

I find myself looking out over the last few rugged specks of rock, at low tide, westward out into the Atlantic with nothing but sea until, probably, newfoundland or something. It's 8 am and we've just spent another hugely comfortable night under canvas. It's misty and cold and there is a strong north wind blowing. I feel dirty. Mrs.SAHD is lurking in the tent pretending she is still asleep. Little prince is already up and bouncing on his cousins heads in their tent. Most of them like it - except for the lazy-arsed teenagers in the contingent.

The kettle is now boiling furiously so now tea can be had and some warmth may find its way into my hands.

I'm wearing yesterday's clothes or is it the day before's? I can't remember. Anyway, they (and I) stink of the massive bonfire we had last night. The teenagers in the party of which there are about five (never can get them all to sit still in one space in order to count them properly) spent last night burning anything they could find including little prince's lovely new Boden fleece. All have become like tribal natives including the face painting and spears a la 'Lord of the Flies'.

I'm dreading breakfast as overall there are ten children and seven adults. Seventeen packs of bacon and 46 eggs later the washing up is done and... it's time for lunch! Do I not want to cook lunch on the coleman. To the pub it is.

So there is half a day's camping. LP is having a whale of a time. In fact Mrs.SAHD and I hardly ever see him, much to Mrs.SAHD's disappointment. God, only another five days of this...

Hey only joking, the place is beautiful, the campsite location divine and the kids are happy. There are no cars and one pub serving decent bitter: what's not to like?

Three is the magic number...

Or is it..?

Strange phenomenon this one and something that all the other mothers seemed to know about but not me.

Little prince's bestest cousin in the whole wide world came down for the day and we had the pleasure of one of PD's kids to BBsit for the day. Now there's me naively thinking what a great opportunity for three like-minded boys to have a whale of a time all day... boy was I wrong.

Little prince basically became the most jealous boy out there when it came to sharing his cousin, no more best mate games with PD's poor fella and lots of exclusionary tactics. I was shocked. Normally, he is a pretty inclusive (altho' bossy...) kid and this was, like, strange.

So maybe I thought this was a one off? but NO. The next day, we met up with one of his other NCT friends (yes, daaahling we are middle class...) for a walk in the woods and LP did the same to the poor little blighter. Much tears all round from former friend and absolutely no remorse from the chosen one.

I was upset. I didn't want a mean kid.

TheN I spoke to the women and each and every one of them said,

"Oh yes... three: it's a very difficult number - never works..."

Well, you learn something every day. I never knew THAT.