Stay at home dad

The REAL family cook book - PART 1

As promised, here is my short attempt to capture the essence of the total 'antithesis' of 'Nigella orgasms over cous cous' or 'Jamie erupts over his organic veg' (or is that meat and two veg..)

BREAKFAST

Firstly, try and contain your children and/or strap them into a seat or push chair before searching for the necessary orgasmic ingredients.

Secondly, ban all electronic devices from husbands/wives/friends or children, particularly crackberries or nintendo DS.

Next assemble your ingredients. You will need the following:

1. Bowls x number of those eating

2. spoons x number of those eating

3. Chairs x number of those eating

4. Box of cereal ...and freshly slice kumquat (only joking)

5. Milk - NB check carefully it has not curdled, a little bit of creamy deposits in your tea or cereal are acceptable, cottage cheese consistency is not.

6. Digital Radio tuned to either Radio 5 LIve or Radio 4 (no other channels allowed PARTICULARLY HEART)

7. Depending on age of children and competence of adults, either a.) allow child to pour own cereal or b.) pour child/useless adult the amount of sugary crap cereal you want them to consume to ensure you do not get reported to the NSPCC for child neglect or cruelty.

8.) Pour milk

9.) Make yourself a cup of tea. If you are feeling very cosmopolitan (or gay) make a cup of earl grey or even better Redbush / roibush, whatever, the less caffeine the gay-er.

10.) Sit back and bask in the smug glory of what an amazing domestic god/dess (delete as appropriate) you are.

11.) Make yourself a piece of toast (*** NB !! check the bread is not mouldy before placing in the Dualit* (*if you don't know what I mean darling there really isn't any hope)!!**)

12.) Check on progress of coco pops eating (DAMN! did I say coco pops??? I meant organic goji berry museli with added omega 3's and almonds (that's right folks, almonds can cure depression!)) and tear of required number of sheets of kitchen roll to mop up spillages.

13.) Unleash children /adults and  order them to go upstairs and get dressed and do their teeth.

14.) Try and figure out how you are going to get ready to take child/ren to school in time as it is now 8:25 and you still haven't shaved... ( that is if you are female of course, males can go to work and or take children to school with stubble on the chin... shame women cannot do same with stubble on legs).

15.)  Leave washing / clearing up for the TV crew and 'runners' to sort out as you sashay out smiling with the smug contentment of being a celeb chef/ wife of chef or simply some one who pretends that every meal time is sexy, earthy and goddamit - fun !

Next time : LUNCH

"Daaaarling... I am just popping out to source some large juicy squash.... GRRRRR...!"

Celebrity chefs and their chuffing cookbooks

This is a bit of a rant and a bit of dig at those glossy goddamn cook books where the likes of Nigella 'Yes I have put on weight' Lawson and Tana 'Gordon didn't help me with the recipes' Ramsay look glamorous and happy and relaxed whilst preparing, cooking and feeding their happy shiny children and wonderfully attentive husbands.... I mean just look at the expressions on their faces:

I tell you that is NOT the sort of look I normally see in the kitchen from Mrs.SAHD, the bedroom: maybe.. as I make the naked dash to get under the quilt (I wish........) but certainly not in the kitchen. And if I was ever to pull such a face to Mrs.Sahd whilst in the kitchen she would give me a right hook and send me back to work. I think they call that look 'smug' with a capital 'S'.

For example / here is a real-life example of how total bollux the whole idea is that people actually look like that in their (spotless) kitchens:

SCENE: KITCHEN

TIME: 7:55 am

I was trying desperately to listen to Nicky 'edgy' Campbell on Radio Bloke (R5L) talking to some American banking expert about the whole Northern Rock/Government loan issue and time is running out before Kid A has to be fed, pack lunch made, dressed and out of the house by 8:50... when I get double whammy with little prince demanding something to drink, NOT the apple juice I had just poured and Mrs.SAHD is questioning me about some social occasion or other in terms of times and dates... So I admit I cannot multi-task but all this actually does is stress me out.

And all I was TRYING to do was make the frigging porridge and with all this going on and, listen, this was only PORRIDGE ! Not Moroccan inspired chick pea and lamb tabouleh with fresh mint and bulgar wheat freshly cracked by the buttocks of an organic tribe high up in the Atlas mountains (ferrrgodsake).

This evening it was slightly better because I managed to captivate LP's attention with the dark arts contained on the cartoon network whilst preparing tonights amazing family meal which merges eastern cuisine with mediterranean colour... BLEURRGGHHH...

Christ knows what we'd eat if we ever had any more children. Actually I have decided this topic needs more input so next post I shall produce my own realistic version of the 'real' family cook book.

Rant over.

For now.

Parents' evening - the exclusive!

It went well.

The end.

I am very proud of LP, he is happy, confident and doing well. I feel the year at home has had a great effect on him and has made the transition to school really very easy and stressless.

Parent's evening

I've got to admit it, right now, that I am using the TV as a baby-sitter whilst I type this post. I don't think that makes me a bad person. They can learn alot from Ben 10 you know. I mean Little Prince has been at school all day and frankly, he is tired, or in his own words:

"Dad... I'm nackid.."

I think I am probably responsible for his use of the slang word 'knackered' and I almost choked on my redbush tea the first time he said it, I was actually proud and highly amused!

So anyway today's subject is parent's evenings or basically how to prepare for ... I wonder if I must dress smartly. I wonder if I should have a whole list of relevant questions to ask earnestly of the teacher. Finally, I wonder how I will take any negativity, after all, I take criticism myself very badly.

Then I got to thinking: LP is only FOUR and hey school at the moment is glorified playing wearing school uniform! Also, if the teacher sees me every day rocking up in odd socks and a crumpled dirty T Shirt then it aint gonna make any impact if she sees me looking uncomfortable in a suit. See I'm not the parent with the high-flying career in the city.. that's reserved for Mrs.SAHD. She can be the one to swoop in and ask the awkward questions and try and get LP promoted to the top set. I shall just stand back and try not to eat the biscuits (if there are any).

Any advice would be gladly received but you'd better be quick because the date for this milestone is tomorrow at 5:20 pm.

In any event I'll give you my observations after the event.

Gaming

What is acceptable levels of gaming? I don't mean online poker, I mean 'computer' games. I tell you I am left behind with all this. Even when I was a kid I never really got into the whole Artari and spectrum zx thing and aside a brief obssession with 'Twin Cobra', a shoot'em up helicopter game during second year at uni, I have never really seen the fascination.

But now... little prince is absolutely fascinated by his elder cousins and their gaming: online, PS3, Wii, Runescape, call of duty 4, world of warcraft, LOTR online... it goes on and on. Most of them are incredibly violent and involve the close quarters massacre of some non-specific soldier or other with a vast array of weaponry including: every firearm know to man and lots of evil looking blades or clubs.

This is when I realise I am getting a bit old and probably turning into my father BUT when I was a child it was all about not being able to get outside quick enough and ride my bike or walk the dog or throw stones at, well, anything. TV was banned except for about half an hour at 6pm. Definitely not on a Saturday morning. But then again I was also a sheets and blanket guy, I'd never heard of a continental quilt.

Oh god! I really am turning into an old git.

Mind you, there was real violence in there in my youth, my brother and I used to shoot at each other with high powered hunting catapults and shoot everything with air rifles, not to mention the making of petrol bombs and stealing shotgun cartridges so that we could extract the gunpowder (for aforesaid bomb making)....and then setting off the percussion cap of the cartridge on the hot plate of the Aga.

Perhaps it is safer to leave LP in a virtual environment??

Bonfire Night

I watched it grow from my ill bed. I watched the worker bees add piece upon piece as the large structured pile took shape, LP told me that they even had a 'TRACTOR' helping with the creation of the pagan sacrificial fire as it took on the shape of a small two up two down, right opposite us in the field they call (the one that will never be developed) Carter's Meadow.

I was supposed to be helping but I was struck down with a mixture of the tail-end of man flu and the full-blown sickness bug. Good excuse that, no one can argue. Slightly undermined by LP who simply wanted to be out there 'doin' it' with the village shamen menfolk, but it couldn't be helped, I was ill with a capital 'I'.

I made up for it though - tonight - it was the bonfire night party and I was a steward. I was a figure of authority. Not since school when I was a dinner monitor did people look at me with such respect. I was positively flying...

Unfortunately, I was not with my boy when he whooped and sucked his teeth at the incredible Chinese fireworks and I can only imagine how much fun he had twirling around the neon pink stick thingy that is even now hanging on the front door latch.

I've just looked out of the bedroom window and the fire is still going. There is something so safe and comforting about looking at a real wood fire. I will fall asleep with the gradually flickering embers dying down on a cold November night.

Childhood memories are made on nights like this.

Annual Review

So it has been a whole year since I became SAHD. There have been ups. There have been downs. What have Little Prince and I learnt from the experience?

1. Dad is tougher than mum.

2. Dad is softer than he thought.

3. LP is getting mighty clever at persuading dad to do what LP wants..NOW!

4. Kids like being dropped off and picked up from school by their parents.

5. There is more to life than work work work... after all there is the School PTA!

6. One has to be 'known' to suceed in politics.

7. No matter how many cars you buy and sell you will never be content.

8. It is possible to have female friends.

9. Kids are great. Don't miss out. You'll never get this time back again.

10. Working part time rocks!

The highlights have been seeing LP flourish in a warm and thriving village community and then go on to a brilliant school with friends he made at nursery. Safe, secure and most importantly happy (bar the odd tantrum).

Home life is less of a battle field also.

No: "MY job is more important than your job..!" arguments anymore.

So overall a successful experiment and now to draw it to a conclusion I must return to the ranks of the working masses...

ONLY JOKING

Yo! Milliband

You are my new star, ok you look a bit like a lego character and seem to have the humourless exterior of a 'not-quite-human-being' but hey I will put that down to bad PR. After all look at your (new) leader, the 21st century DARTH VADER, all monosyllabic cyclical messages and helmet hair (much like yourself). At least you are a man of principle.

I lay down at your feet a large bushel of respect for your stand about your new child versus the Saudi royal visit.

One question: are you in trouble with Gordon?

I don't know ANY CEOs who would put up with your excuse for missing that state visit! Good on you fella...

I thought it was a joke when I read the story.

Here's a massive big 'up to the 'Foz Sec' as I shall now refer to you (with respec').

Why am I at all interested in your story? Because you put your children first. You are a hero, just don't expect to be rewarded for it.

Yours, over and out dark lord,

A SAHD admirer.