As promised, here is my short attempt to capture the essence of the total 'antithesis' of 'Nigella orgasms over cous cous' or 'Jamie erupts over his organic veg' (or is that meat and two veg..)
BREAKFAST
Firstly, try and contain your children and/or strap them into a seat or push chair before searching for the necessary orgasmic ingredients.
Secondly, ban all electronic devices from husbands/wives/friends or children, particularly crackberries or nintendo DS.
Next assemble your ingredients. You will need the following:
1. Bowls x number of those eating
2. spoons x number of those eating
3. Chairs x number of those eating
4. Box of cereal ...and freshly slice kumquat (only joking)
5. Milk - NB check carefully it has not curdled, a little bit of creamy deposits in your tea or cereal are acceptable, cottage cheese consistency is not.
6. Digital Radio tuned to either Radio 5 LIve or Radio 4 (no other channels allowed PARTICULARLY HEART)
7. Depending on age of children and competence of adults, either a.) allow child to pour own cereal or b.) pour child/useless adult the amount of sugary crap cereal you want them to consume to ensure you do not get reported to the NSPCC for child neglect or cruelty.
8.) Pour milk
9.) Make yourself a cup of tea. If you are feeling very cosmopolitan (or gay) make a cup of earl grey or even better Redbush / roibush, whatever, the less caffeine the gay-er.
10.) Sit back and bask in the smug glory of what an amazing domestic god/dess (delete as appropriate) you are.
11.) Make yourself a piece of toast (*** NB !! check the bread is not mouldy before placing in the Dualit* (*if you don't know what I mean darling there really isn't any hope)!!**)
12.) Check on progress of coco pops eating (DAMN! did I say coco pops??? I meant organic goji berry museli with added omega 3's and almonds (that's right folks, almonds can cure depression!)) and tear of required number of sheets of kitchen roll to mop up spillages.
13.) Unleash children /adults and order them to go upstairs and get dressed and do their teeth.
14.) Try and figure out how you are going to get ready to take child/ren to school in time as it is now 8:25 and you still haven't shaved... ( that is if you are female of course, males can go to work and or take children to school with stubble on the chin... shame women cannot do same with stubble on legs).
15.) Leave washing / clearing up for the TV crew and 'runners' to sort out as you sashay out smiling with the smug contentment of being a celeb chef/ wife of chef or simply some one who pretends that every meal time is sexy, earthy and goddamit - fun !
Next time : LUNCH
"Daaaarling... I am just popping out to source some large juicy squash.... GRRRRR...!"
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