Stay at home dad

Bonfire Night

I watched it grow from my ill bed. I watched the worker bees add piece upon piece as the large structured pile took shape, LP told me that they even had a 'TRACTOR' helping with the creation of the pagan sacrificial fire as it took on the shape of a small two up two down, right opposite us in the field they call (the one that will never be developed) Carter's Meadow.

I was supposed to be helping but I was struck down with a mixture of the tail-end of man flu and the full-blown sickness bug. Good excuse that, no one can argue. Slightly undermined by LP who simply wanted to be out there 'doin' it' with the village shamen menfolk, but it couldn't be helped, I was ill with a capital 'I'.

I made up for it though - tonight - it was the bonfire night party and I was a steward. I was a figure of authority. Not since school when I was a dinner monitor did people look at me with such respect. I was positively flying...

Unfortunately, I was not with my boy when he whooped and sucked his teeth at the incredible Chinese fireworks and I can only imagine how much fun he had twirling around the neon pink stick thingy that is even now hanging on the front door latch.

I've just looked out of the bedroom window and the fire is still going. There is something so safe and comforting about looking at a real wood fire. I will fall asleep with the gradually flickering embers dying down on a cold November night.

Childhood memories are made on nights like this.

Holiday notes

The hijab is sexy. It's official.

(the word 'hijab' primarily refers to muslim women's head and body covering. source: wikipedia)

I shall probably go to hell for saying so or have a fatwa pronounced over me, but it's true.

There I was minding my own business in the Egyptian Museum (see here: www.egyptianmuseum.gov.eg/ ) when I felt that familiar feeling that someone was staring at me. I turned around and through this small black slit two eyes burned out at me and held my gaze.. I was not expecting that: the intensity of just looking at two eyes and nothing else. Try it sometime. Maybe we have something to learn here along the lines of 'less is more'. Aren't we all bored of naked flesh at every turn? I'm not sure that is what the nation of islam intended with the whole covering up thing, but there you go...

Sitting at dinner one night in our quizillion star mega hotel, I announced:

"I think I'll have a look at the wine list.."

To which little prince responded:

"I think I'll have a look at the apple juice list"

I am loving his ability to make me laugh at every turn. In fact, he was something of a hit on holiday. The Egyptians without exception were wonderfully warm and kind with 'lil prince and he is now fully conversant in arabic.. well he can say his name and goodbye (useful phrases and always well received).

Did the obligatory trip to the pyramids, but firstly the flight! If you've ever been to the Brooklands motor and aircraft museum you will have had the privilege of poking around the Sultan of Brunei's 1970s royal plane. A few things strike you about it:

1.) The poor taste, think 70s brothel chic.

2.) The smell !

3.) How old and shabby it feels.

So 'Camel Airlines' 1950s DC9 was a lot worse. Say no more. Many crossed fingers and prayers to allah later we arrive Cairo, alive.

Some Egyptian tourists at the sphinx asked to have their photo taken with little prince (I assume as a result of the blonde hair blue eye thing). An amazing place the pyramids, you really should visit.

Typical comment from Egyptian bazaar owner:

"Hey! you very lucky man.. you have beautiful wife, how much for her?"

To which if you are brave enough and out of earshot of Mrs.SAHD, you can reply:

"Five plastic camels"

Cue much laughter and joking around.

Don't worry next post will be back on a firm 'old blighty' footing on the juicy subject of the 'School Sports Day', or more particularly, the psychology of the mums and the dads race...

New diet revolution...!

I'm back.

Sorry for the silence (and with no warning...) but - I'm back.

I am like Moses before the burning bush (very very topical..) or like the blind man whose scales have been lifted from his eyes... halleluyah !! I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT..!

I have some news to share with you all: brothers and sisters.

NEW DIET REVOLUTION - THE 'E' DIET

You know how it is, every day there is some new goddamn diet phenomenon: Cambridge, grapefruit, cabbage soup, Atkins, bloodtype.. yadda yadda yadda. YAWN YAWN YAWN.

No, my friends I have the real deal, the real McCoy, authentic with a capital 'OR' you are privileged to be on the edge of leading edge scientifically proved no-nonsense, straight-talking diet nirvana..

Let me introduce to you the E DIET (all copyright preserved).

The revolutionary new diet methodology that is guaranteed to give you the following amazing benefits:

• No desire to eat
• Easy weight loss
• Your figure back
• Smell-free Number '2's

And what will you have to pay for the privilege of perhaps the most exciting diet phenomenon of the 21st century?

The incredible answer is: NOTHING a big fat zeeeroooooooo...

I give you the E DIET !!!!

You need only follow these simple rules and the pounds will drop off with no effort and no hunger !

1. Type "holiday Egypt" into google.
2. Find the cheapest five star hotel all-inclusive deal you can in Egypt.
3. Book at least 7 days' (14 if you want more weight loss) holiday on an all-inclusive basis in a the red sea paradise no luxury missed hotel on the holiday of the goddamn century.
4. Fly there.
5. Drink the tap water.
6. Eat the food.
7. Suck on those ice cubes baby.

At this point you are positively orgasmic at the i.) marble floors; ii.) 37 degree dry desert heat; iii.) the attention that little prince gets EVERYWHERE; iv.) the food, oh god the food... so much, so much variety, so many interesting and unusual arabic bugs for the useless British digestive tract...

   7.     Wake up on the morning of day two.

   8.      Wonder at the marvel that is the noise from your stomach.

   9.     Walk quickly to the toilet.

   10.    Sh*t yourself so violently that the bathroom is sprayed head to foot in last nights falafel...

   11.    Repeat at least 12 times daily.

The E DIET is unbelievably effective.

Most exciting of all is that the weight loss is all in your control. You decide how much weight you want to lose and when you have had enough of the E DIET then you simply call the pharmacy and get the strongest anti-amoebic dysentry tablets you can get and WHAM! no more loose movements, YES even you can now move more than 100 metres from your hotel room.

For more information on this incredible not-for-profit-diet-revolution please visit

www.egyptforwesterners.com

Salaam-alah-kum

Yours, six pounds the lighter.