Stay at home dad

The birds and the bees

I was driving through Blogham today when I saw two very large bright signs by the side of the road advertising a 'Psychic Fayre HERE 16/17 July'. It occurred to me that the people to whom this might be of some interest should already know this. It seemed a waste of advertising spend. Perhaps it was aimed at the 'psychic newbies' who as yet have not honed their psychic abilities.

Yesterday, I was driving somewhere - can't for the life of me remember where - when little prince stated the following,

"Daddy, I want a brother and a sister"

"Oh yes..?" I say.

"Mummy and Daddy will have to make one then!" I continue, thinking that would be the end of that.

"Have you got any seeds Daddy?" adds princeling.

"Oh yes, loads!" I chuckle.

"Where are they Dad? Can I see them? How do you make a baby dad?"

By now I am regretting the turn of the conversation and I have to come up with a plausible explanation for the inquisitive four year old.

"Well.... mummy and daddy have to make the baby and put it in mummy's tummy"

At this point princeling's friend (and Slim's youngest) , until this point thankfully quiet in the back of the car, pipes up:

"NO..!" he exclaims huffily.

"Baby's have to be BORNED.!"

I think this added to the debate somewhat and I saw my escape route.

"Yes, that's right - born out of mummy's tummy!" I pronounce eagerly.

"No, when I was borned, I came out of mummy's bottom" said Slim's kid exploding into giggles.

Thankfully, we had arrived at our destination and I was able to bring the conversation topic to a swift end with the promise of mucho excitement for the boys at whichever playground, shop or forest we had arrived at.

Phew that was a close call.

Out of action for a couple of days. Be back on line at the weekend.

Tick tock, yeah don't stop...

SCENE 1:   THE SHOWER

SAHD lathering up with Molton Brown's finest. Enter nubile south american female window cleaner... NO, no, no.... that's not what happened. Start again.

SAHD lathering up, reaches top of right thigh and discovers small black speck and slight reddening of  milky white thigh.

Upon leaving shower, SAHD enlists the help of Mrs.SAHD to examine said small black speck. SAHD takes great pleasure in parading naked in front of Mrs.SAHD much to his amusement and her disgust.

Both conclude a skin tag about to fall off or some other unknown skin issue. Getting old you see.

SCENE 2: THE SHOWER

SAHD once more lathering up some three days later (note to editor: SAHD has showered in the interim). This time a little tired after a long session on the bike.

SAHD exits shower and notices black spec is now black insect engorged with SAHD's blood. SAHD pokes said insect. Said insect falls off. SAHD picks up insect and realises it is a goddamn T-I-C-K !

SAHD cannot resist squeezing blood-sucker until it bursts. SAHD wipes his own and the tick's blood off his face.

SCENE 3: THE SHOWER

SAHD closely examines tick bite area and notices an ominous darkening of the skin.....

SCENE 4:  THE SHOWER

The very next day SAHD notices (in the shower where else) darkening and reddening of skin around bite area.

SAHD being highly technical and a hypochondriac goes straight on to the interweb and diagnoses a serious case of lymes disease. see here http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/lymedisease.htm

SAHD umms and ahhs for a few days. Tick bite reddening gets bigger. SAHD runs ten miles.

SCENE 5: THE SHOWER

SAHD decides to enlist the help of the doctor. Doctor prescribes oxygen tent, solitary confinement, intravenous antibiotics and heart surgery.

Well antibiotics anyway.

SCENE 6: NO, NOT THE SHOWER

But anywhere and anytime.... SAHD drops his trousers and shows everyone the tick bite. Places which the tick bite was revealed by the dropping of trousers:

• The pub
• Slim's kitchen
• SAHD's kitchen
• The Doctor's garden
• SAHD's car
• The high street
• Parish church
• The forest
• Pre-school - took some explaining that one....
• On the train
• In the pub - again

So anyway, you get the picture. Milked it for all it's worth.

On a serious note, I am never going running naked in the forest again !