Stay at home dad

Sports day

Despite little prince not yet being a pupil at Blogley C of E primary school, all three of us went to the school sports day. The playing fields are a stone's throw from the house and now we know a few of the mums and their kids taking part we thought 'why not'.

Competitive vs non-competitive games. DISCUSS.

An interesting one that one: on the one hand it appeared everyone was at pains to stress it was the taking part that counts and NOT the winning. Hmmmm... not sure that works, otherwise what is the point of the sports day? Life is full of winners and losers, life is full of people (and children) with different skills. One kid's genius at all things computer is contrasted to the 'sport billy' kid who wins all the running races. How often have you heard the story about the school reunion where the former golden sport boy is now a fat and balding loser with no job and a string of messy relationships. It seems being good at sport is not the be all and end all.

So, if we value all abilities in all areas of life (and lets face it, if you can only run fast this skill does not translate easily into earning ability) then why not allow all the kids to run in races competitively? By contrast, when the exam results come out they are listed in the order of the highest mark first. This is the same principle as winning a running race, you work hard and study, you 'win' in academics. Everything in life balances out. Gone is the need in 21st century Britain for strong runners to catch the wild boar...

Where am I going with this? Well actually the mother's race. My god the pre-race hype is some weird psyching out exercise where everybody declares that they haven't got a chance and they don't exercise and they won't try etc. etc. but let me tell you when the whistle blows, I cannot describe to you how the base, feral nature of mums on the charge surfaces instantly... There was pushing, there was shoving, there was a faller, there was an injury and there was cheating!

It opened my eyes I can tell you. I imagined a few lovely ladies in long flowing skirts (Laura Ashley or Hobbs) gently pattering their tiny delicate feet down the track whilst daintily trying to keep the large sun hat in place. All painted toenails and wafts of anais anais.

But no, it wasn't like that. If that's what the mothers race was like I am going into training for 2008, my olympic year.

How to amuse small children

Number 1

Take these:

...and add the whole packet to the bottle in one go and you get this:

(Credits go to my nephew for this one)

see here for many more examples some unbelievable www.youtube.com and plug in the search field 'diet coke and mentos'.

Number 2

Take one of these:

and put the roof down (nb it is important to ensure it is not raining first...)

Insert children - maximum number: five.

Stand back and watch. Expect some of this:

and a lot of this:

Remain calm.

Leave for awhile.

Then shout at them and see if the car starts.

Any more suggestions for entertaining kids please?

I mean the more fun ones not boring tried and tested.

Stay true to yourself..

Stay true to yourself.

Advice to fellow SAHDs.

Don't under any circumstances give up being a selfish male. Retain your identity, go on - be selfish. Keep that old car 'you intend to do up...'; Go out drinking with your buddies on a Friday night; play golf all Sunday morning or do whatever it is you like doing and which is totally pointless but part of your genetic male-ness.

DO NOT fall into the trap of giving up everything just to appease your particular Mrs.SAHD. You do that and you may as well buy some fake breasts and get yourself on the op list for a castration (NB Castration may not be an option if Mrs.SAHD wants you to father more children).

Act badly occasionally. I'm a consumate expert at drinking lots of beer and keeping Mrs.SAHD awake with the snoring. I am so proud.

You see it keeps the part of all women alive that wants their men to be baaad, baaad to the bone. All women secretly want the metaphorical caveman to pick them up and carry them off into the sunset, to be vanquished, pillaged or whatever.. translated into 21st century male behaviour, this simply means acting erratically, selfishly and badly on some occasions. I guess it could be called keeping them on their toes. To do otherwise means they have won, you are no longer a challenge and therefore they are likely to go elsewhere to seek more dominant sperm. You have been warned.

Some DOs and DON'Ts:

The DOs

• Keep that hobby, knackered old car, golf, beer habit or gadget going.
• Do keep control of the remote control.
• Pretend often not to hear what she says
• Do tell her exactly how much you fancy her and what you'd like to do her..
• ..and how often
• Do leave wet towels on the bathroom floor
• Do your utmost best to be a good father (possibly the best tip here..)

The DON'Ts

• DO NOT under any circumstances go shopping with her
• DO NOT keep the house too clean and tidy
• DO NOT tell her if for a few minutes you lose the little prince in Sainsburys
• DO NOT let her choose what car you drive
• DO NOT be too good at looking after the little prince, make some mistakes even if they're deliberate. This will allow her the fantasy of thinking she is still needed at home.

Anyway, we're off for a few days so there will be a short pause in broadcasts until next Tuesday. BFN.